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| In The Navy |
This happened about 20 years ago while I was still in the Navy. I was stationed on an Ammo ship out of Guam and as usual we were making our 'round robin' cruise delivering bombs here and there. As usual we were in one of our often visited ports the Phillipine Islands. As any sailor can tell you, the Phillipine Islands, just like Amsterdam or Thailand, can be best described as.. an 'adult disneyland' and we will leave it at that.
Well the 'gang' of us ... basically most of the electric shop, went out boozing it up that night and then find out the very next morning that there is a command wide personnel inspection and there are no excuses for non attendance i.e. show up or be written up.
Needless to say, my uniform was nothing even near ready for an inspection, let alone was I ready as I and the rest of the gang were still pretty much drunk from the preceeding night. So I pretend to run an iron across my shirt throw it on and stand in line with the rest of my division as we waited to get slammed and stand a reinspection.
Slowly but surely the Captain is making his way down the ranks and I feel the 'pressure' building up in my gut. Im drunk, my uniform looks like crap, the captain doesn't like me anyways, I figure what do I have to lose? If I am going to go down, im going down with a bang...so I hold it in. A few minutes later, the captain is standing in front of me with this look on his face like he just bit into a turd and starts ragging on me. Then he says rather loudly, What's THIS, an IRISH PENDANT!!! (That's an old slang though probably taboo now in the PC world for a string hanging off your uniform somewhere, normally on a pocket or something) it happens to be in my crotch area, and he bends down to yank and snap it off. (the string that is) I see my opening and take it. I was thinking I could 'regulate' the flow to just give him a nice wiff, but turn out letting loose one of those 5 minute farts that thunder and echo like a mortar salute going off and leaves you wondering if you
have to go change your shorts now. The Captain bolts upright almost tripping on his way back. Everyone around me is trying desperately not to, but laughing anyways. My division officer has a look of horror on his face because he KNOWS he's going to catch the CO's wrath before I do. It was truly a Kodak moment.
Then about 15 seconds later the 'stench' reaches everyone's noses. Ill leave to your imagination what words were said in my direction as everyone was breaking ranks to soon leave me the only person standing there.
To top it off, I looked the CO straight in the eye and said, Sorry Sir... it slipped. Much to my amazement nothing else was ever was said about that incident from higher up.
Was I embarrassed, probably should have been but at the time. nope, not at all.
Aaron |
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