A couple of versions of this gem have been floating around the internet. Here are two we received. We'll give you both so you can pick your favorite. If you're the creator of either of these, let us know and we'll give you credit.
OK .. you gotta see this one. A Cleveland TV station is following reports of a black bear in local neighborhoods ... but they can't find a bear to video. Soooo.......
Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....
"CASH FOR CODGERS" And It Works Like This...
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent 'codgers' will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for 'codgers' who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussels sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All 'codgers' will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other 'codgers' in repair.
You just never know what's going to happen on The Neal Boortz Show. Did you miss the discussion that led up to this comment by Belinda? It was classic. And we'll put it in the next Boortz Blast newsletter for you. If you aren't already a subscriber, you can sign up here.
The movie Idiocracy comes up from time to time in the comments. I bet a bunch of you have not seen it. Here's a clip that you might enjoy. Warning: there are probably a few bad words in it. If you do decide to watch the whole movie, we are not responsible for the loss of IQ points you will suffer.
This is from a column in the San Francisco Chronicle ... a glossary of Republican doublespeak for all you right-wing conservatives. I'm ticked I didn't make the list.
No commentary necessary ... just read and enjoy.
Activist judges: Judges whose rulings are at odds with the perceived wisdom of Republicans.
Bankers: Stewards of the capitalist system who always know what's best for the economy, who deserve low taxes and big year-end bonuses no matter how poorly their institutions have performed.
Class warfare: Assaults on rich people in the form of the usual whining of poor people.
Clinton, Wm. Jefferson: Democrat president whose sexual dalliance sent the nation into a tailspin from which even George W. Bush could not save it.
Compassionate conservatism: Ignoring the poor, except for an occasional contribution to the collection plate at church. Also see "conservatism."
Democrats: Devil-worshiping scum, foes of free enterprise, champions of the shiftless and the lazy, enemies of hardworking Americans everywhere.
Energy policy: Drill, baby, drill.
Fairness Doctrine: A government regulation once imposed on broadcasters under the mistaken notion that the public airways were owned by the public. Wisely rescinded by Ronald Reagan, paving the way for the careers of Rush Limbaugh, et al.
Fox News: A place where failed newsmen go to live out their golden years (e.g., Britt Hume, Geraldo Rivera), with paychecks provided by an Australian capitalist intent on explaining America to itself.
Gore, Al: Democrat presidential candidate and sore loser who concocted the myth of global warming just to steal joy from the Republicans who beat him.
Greed: The emotion that drives food-stamp recipients.
Justice Department: Agency created to legitimize illegal acts of Republican presidents.
Liberal: Any of a species of lily-livered, weak and effeminate men, or pushy and overly masculine women who have either renounced men altogether, or turned them into "girly-men."
Limbaugh, Rush: A male Mother Teresa for the oppressed captains of business and industry.
New York Times: Propaganda organ, once affiliated with Pravda, now a subsidiary of Al-Jazeera.
No!: All-purpose reply to any idea that doesn't include tax cuts for the wealthy.
Obama, Barack: Inept, inexperienced and inarticulate Negro man elected to the highest office in the biggest mistake the American electorate ever made.
Patriotism: Hoping the nation's leader fails, if he's a Democrat. Hoping the nation's leader succeeds, if he's a Republican.
Pelosi, Nancy: See also "harpy," "harridan."
Poor: People born lacking the gene that creates a solid work ethic, but with an excess number of genes that prompt whining.
Profit: The most sacred goal of human existence. Anything that interferes with its pursuit or acquisition is an affront to God.
Republicans: 1) The only real Americans; 2) Those who uphold traditional American values, such as marital fidelity, and disdain un-American practices such as homosexuality. Republicans uphold these values in public, though they sometimes are found to betray those values in private. They're only human, after all. (see also Vitter, David, or Craig, Larry).
Saint: (n.) See Reagan, Ronald.
Secular humanists: See "spawn of Satan."
Victory: A word foreign to Democrats, who always favor retreat or capitulation to the nation's enemies, foreign or domestic.
Wall Street: The nervous system of America, linked directly to the heart and brain. In short, the essence of this great nation.
Wendi Aarons is a blogger from Austin, Texas. She's a very clever writer. Here's a link to a letter she wrote to the president of Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. Since some of you wouldn't click on a link if your life depended on it, I'll just go ahead and post her letter here. It's a trip. For those of you who do know what a hyperlink is, you can click right here.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f-orever kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullcrap. And that's a promise I will keep.
Since it's an anything goes Friday...if you don't know what Twitter is, here is your primer. If you are familiar with it, you'll get a good laugh from this.
It just wouldn't be St. Patrick's Day without the Mobile, Alabama leprechaun. If you haven't experienced this yet, and even if you have, put down all beverages before viewing.
Search Boortz.com
You just never know what's going to happen on The Neal Boortz Show. Did you miss the discussion that led up to 
